Today I felt this nagging sense that I needed to head over to my blog and catch up. My last post was the night before Thanksgiving and so much has happened since then. As I read back over my post I'm brought back to the pain that I was living in at that time. I realize how much I have come in the last 6 months. I also noticed that I have three drafts saved that were never posted. One from Christmas, one from Stella's birthday, and one random one from February. I'll never be able to remember why I didn't post those, but there must of been something holding me back. I hate that I didn't get all of my feelings out from Stella's birthday and her angelversary! But I refuse to beat myself up about it or try to force out some sort of post about that time. The feelings that I was feeling on February 1 and 5 are different from the ones I'm feeling today. I can not capture them nor will I try. What I am going to do is capture all of my feelings of hope and get them posted up on this blog. I think it's about time that Stella's Journey included some HOPE!
I have just updated our "adoption" tab in the blog to include important events that have taken place since we began the adoption process almost 10 months ago. But here is where I'll talk about how this makes me feel. Sort of like counseling. "And Shanna when you think about the length of time that you have been waiting to hear from the adoption agency, how does that make you feel?" ...Hopeless is one word that comes to mind. But it's a feeling that I won't let in. So I have to settle with shitty. F-ing annoyed. This isn't like a pregnancy due date. I have no idea when the call will come. John has no idea when the call will come. The agency has no idea when they will make the call to the Spinda's. We just have to wake up every morning with the hope that we will get the call today. And we have to go to bed every night knowing that God has not created our child yet and that is the reason we didn't get the call. I do better on same days then others. More recently I've been doing everything I can to ensure that God will place the right child into our home. We have decided to adopt an older child (6-10 years old) from the Special Needs Adoption Program through the state of Kentucky. I'm a special education teacher who can't ever stop talking or thinking about her kiddos. John and I are one of the best husband and wife teams you will ever find. We could offer so much to a child who has had nothing their entire life. We are ready to bring a special needs child into our home. I'm so excited to go to the training on Tuesday and to get started with everything we will need to do to proceed. I feel the best when I'm working towards a goal. I can't just wait around expecting something to happen... I want to make it happen!! After we are approved by the state of Kentucky we will then be on two waiting list. (Catholic Charities and the Special Needs Adoption Program) Double chances!
Hope is the reason I get out of bed. Hope is the reason I am able to function. My whole world is surrounded by hope. It is the one thing I cling to with both of my hands. I have hope that our family will be completed when He is ready.
We are the Spinda family (John, Shanna & Stella Mae) from Murray, KY... on February 1, 2011 at 10:27am our beautiful baby girl, Stella Mae Spinda, was born at 26 weeks gestation. She weighed 12.34 oz and was 9 in long - Stella suffered from Intrauterin Growth Restriction (IUGR) which caused both her extremely small size and her being born premature. Stella spent five days in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) at Norton/Kosair Hospital in Louisville, KY. She passed away late on February 5, 2011 from complications of her extremely small size. This blog was started when she was 23 gestational weeks old and we discovered her condition. It's original purpose was to keep family and friends updated on Stella's journey - we now hope to use this blog as a way to continue Stella's journey by honoring her memory and also as a way to support others who are struggling with infertility or have lost a pregnancy or baby.