Today I felt this nagging sense that I needed to head over to my blog and catch up. My last post was the night before Thanksgiving and so much has happened since then. As I read back over my post I'm brought back to the pain that I was living in at that time. I realize how much I have come in the last 6 months. I also noticed that I have three drafts saved that were never posted. One from Christmas, one from Stella's birthday, and one random one from February. I'll never be able to remember why I didn't post those, but there must of been something holding me back. I hate that I didn't get all of my feelings out from Stella's birthday and her angelversary! But I refuse to beat myself up about it or try to force out some sort of post about that time. The feelings that I was feeling on February 1 and 5 are different from the ones I'm feeling today. I can not capture them nor will I try. What I am going to do is capture all of my feelings of hope and get them posted up on this blog. I think it's about time that Stella's Journey included some HOPE!
I have just updated our "adoption" tab in the blog to include important events that have taken place since we began the adoption process almost 10 months ago. But here is where I'll talk about how this makes me feel. Sort of like counseling. "And Shanna when you think about the length of time that you have been waiting to hear from the adoption agency, how does that make you feel?" ...Hopeless is one word that comes to mind. But it's a feeling that I won't let in. So I have to settle with shitty. F-ing annoyed. This isn't like a pregnancy due date. I have no idea when the call will come. John has no idea when the call will come. The agency has no idea when they will make the call to the Spinda's. We just have to wake up every morning with the hope that we will get the call today. And we have to go to bed every night knowing that God has not created our child yet and that is the reason we didn't get the call. I do better on same days then others. More recently I've been doing everything I can to ensure that God will place the right child into our home. We have decided to adopt an older child (6-10 years old) from the Special Needs Adoption Program through the state of Kentucky. I'm a special education teacher who can't ever stop talking or thinking about her kiddos. John and I are one of the best husband and wife teams you will ever find. We could offer so much to a child who has had nothing their entire life. We are ready to bring a special needs child into our home. I'm so excited to go to the training on Tuesday and to get started with everything we will need to do to proceed. I feel the best when I'm working towards a goal. I can't just wait around expecting something to happen... I want to make it happen!! After we are approved by the state of Kentucky we will then be on two waiting list. (Catholic Charities and the Special Needs Adoption Program) Double chances!
Hope is the reason I get out of bed. Hope is the reason I am able to function. My whole world is surrounded by hope. It is the one thing I cling to with both of my hands. I have hope that our family will be completed when He is ready.
Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Directions needed to a lighted path.
So this is it, tomorrow is... well, tomorrow - Thanksgiving... the start of the holiday season. It's been a little less than 10 months since I've held Stella, since I kissed her sweet face, and since I had to leave her in Norton Hospital and walk out of there alone, with empty arms. I've been through a roller coaster of emotions since that day (Feb 5) but none as low as I've felt the last few weeks. I feel overwhelmed by Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Stella's up coming birthday, and up coming angelversary. It all seems to be happening so fast and I feel out of control. I have no idea what to do. I don't know how to act. I don't know how to incorporate my daughter into the holiday season in a way that I am able to handle. I can barely function, I'm crying all the time, the only thing that gets me out of bed is work and I'm off for the next five days. I'm not going to be shy about things on here... I didn't brush my teeth until after 5pm today and I only just took a shower because I couldn't deal with my smell anymore (but I didn't wash of hair, of course). I've spent most of the day on the couch somewhere between strangely calm to hysterical. I did call the credit counselor that the adoption agency recommended to us. Oh yes, there is some good news I should share: The adoption agency will not approve us until we complete a plan with a credit counseling agency and take a "get out of debt" class. So after taking a look at our checking account and finding that we have $200 to last us until John gets paid next Wednesday I promptly called to set up an appointment to get these finances straightened out. Like I pointed out on the phone with the counselor today, a full time professor and a full time teacher should not be living paycheck to paycheck!
Let's compound extreme money problems on top of grief and let's add in a little difficulty with our adoption agency -- sounds like a perfect recipe for dealing with the holidays! I keep trying to remind myself that people have been through worse! There are women who have lost multiple children or who have had their children murdered. There are families who are being put out onto the street because their house went into foreclosure when someone lost their job. There are couples who have been on the waiting list for a baby for years and years. I can recognize that there are others out there who are worse off then me - my question is, how do these people get up and continue to face the day?
John asked me what I really want to do tomorrow. He had to know that he was not going to like my answer! I'd like to lay in bed ALL day, watching NCIS, and pretending that it is just a regular day off of work. I got that disappointed look and an "oh bun..."
We have been blessed with wonderful friends who have invited us to spend Thanksgiving with them tomorrow after our plans to volunteer at a kitchen feeding those in need. I wish I could be happy for what we have, I wish that I could be excited to spend my Thanksgiving this way. But all I can think about is how I want my momma and my brother and most of all my Stella! These thoughts have consumed me to the point that I am unable to do anything but think about these three things that I want so badly. Then as the wave of pain rolls in I cry uncontrollably when I realize that my momma and brother are not coming here for Thanksgiving and my Stella girl is never coming back here to Earth. How do I face the holiday then? How do I go through the motions of a day that is only bringing me pain? I need answers! I need to know how to function!
I miss Shanna... I miss the person that I was before my daughter died. I miss smiling and having fun. I miss my friends! I wish I could talk to my friends, I wish I could do something other than cry. I wish I had hope! I have lost my hope... hope that I will ever really be happy and hope that John and I will ever get to raise children.
If you know how I can get my hope back... TELL ME! If you have any idea of how to handle the holidays, please pass along the advice! I'm lost and wandering around a dark ally - I really need someone to find me and/or give me directions to a lighted path.
Let's compound extreme money problems on top of grief and let's add in a little difficulty with our adoption agency -- sounds like a perfect recipe for dealing with the holidays! I keep trying to remind myself that people have been through worse! There are women who have lost multiple children or who have had their children murdered. There are families who are being put out onto the street because their house went into foreclosure when someone lost their job. There are couples who have been on the waiting list for a baby for years and years. I can recognize that there are others out there who are worse off then me - my question is, how do these people get up and continue to face the day?
John asked me what I really want to do tomorrow. He had to know that he was not going to like my answer! I'd like to lay in bed ALL day, watching NCIS, and pretending that it is just a regular day off of work. I got that disappointed look and an "oh bun..."
We have been blessed with wonderful friends who have invited us to spend Thanksgiving with them tomorrow after our plans to volunteer at a kitchen feeding those in need. I wish I could be happy for what we have, I wish that I could be excited to spend my Thanksgiving this way. But all I can think about is how I want my momma and my brother and most of all my Stella! These thoughts have consumed me to the point that I am unable to do anything but think about these three things that I want so badly. Then as the wave of pain rolls in I cry uncontrollably when I realize that my momma and brother are not coming here for Thanksgiving and my Stella girl is never coming back here to Earth. How do I face the holiday then? How do I go through the motions of a day that is only bringing me pain? I need answers! I need to know how to function!
I miss Shanna... I miss the person that I was before my daughter died. I miss smiling and having fun. I miss my friends! I wish I could talk to my friends, I wish I could do something other than cry. I wish I had hope! I have lost my hope... hope that I will ever really be happy and hope that John and I will ever get to raise children.
If you know how I can get my hope back... TELL ME! If you have any idea of how to handle the holidays, please pass along the advice! I'm lost and wandering around a dark ally - I really need someone to find me and/or give me directions to a lighted path.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
I'm going to be okay
"Don't ever lose hope and give up, everything turns out okay and the good guys always win." ~Anonymous
Last Friday I was sitting on the beach by myself. I had pulled my beach chair down to the water so that as the waves were coming in they would splash up my legs and cool me off. It was just me, my book and the waves (and a few dozen others who's condos were near ours). I was enjoying the sound of the waves, the sunshine, the kids who were boogie boarding near me, the sand in between my toes, and my book. Every couple of pages I would look up at the ocean and take it all in - the smell of salt water in the air, the way the sky mixes with the ocean out on the horizon, the peacefulness that comes with being close to water. This was our last day and I wanted to enjoy every second I had left. It was then, on that Friday, alone on the beach, that I finally realized - I'm going to be okay.
Since I lost Stella, so many people have told me that I was eventually going to be okay. My counselor has even made me say it out loud a few times during therapy. I never believed it. I continued on, tried to muddle through my life knowing that I had to keep living but never believing that I would ever feel alive again. If, even for a second, the thought of being okay crossed my mind I would quickly remind myself that Stella, my daughter, my only child had died in my arms. How could I ever be okay after that?
I spent a lot of time crying the week that we were at the beach. We decided to bring Stella's ashes with us - just looking at and holding her urn brings me great comfort. I cried on our way to North Carolina in the car, I cried when I set her urn next to the bed in the condo, I cried at the beach, in bed, in the shower and while laying on the couch. Of course I had fun - I enjoyed being with family, eating the amazing food that Chris prepared for us, and riding jet skis. But I missed my Stella! I don't know what changed on Friday - I don't know why God chose that day, that minute... But what I do know is that it has been 8 days later and I still know with all of my heart that I am going to be okay. For the first time in 6 months I feel optimistic. I know that the pain that I feel today will never go away but the severity will lessen. I know that Stella will be with me in my heart until the day that I die and I get to finally see her again. I want her to be an active part of my life, but in a joyful way and not a sorrowful way.
On Friday evening John and I took Stella down to the beach. I always feel a little closer to God while I'm standing in the sand beside the ocean - and I felt a little closer to Stella then too. We both took a pinch of her ashes and as a wave was returning to sea we sent a little piece of Stella to sea as well. John and I hugged and cried - we talked to Stella - we promised each other that we were going to get through this. As we were standing there a beautiful seashell washed up between our feet. John picked it up, turned around and wrote Stella's name in the sand. As he was writing none of the waves rolled in far enough to even touch our feet. When he finished we just stood there, holding each other, looking at our daughter's name... just as we were taking a step away from her name and the ocean a large wave rolled in and washed the writing away. I felt as if that wave took a tremendous amount of my pain with it as it retreated back to the sea.
Since coming back from the beach John and I have been busy getting ready for the upcoming school year. I went back to work on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday for our professional development days. John had a lot of work to do for his online class and some research he has been working on. We have both been looking forward to the future. We know that with everyday that passes we are getting a little bit stronger. That is why we have decided that we are ready to expand our family.... John and I are going to adopt!
This week has been sort of a whirl wind of information seeking, paperwork and immediate excitement.
Monday - I contacted Catholic Charities of Owensboro, KY and spoke to a women about our interest in adoption and our wanting to go through their agency. (We had already done the research before leaving for the beach.) She had her assistant send us out the paperwork that day.
Tuesday - We received the paperwork in the mail and I immediately filled it out. When John came home from bingo at the Knight of Columbus he signed on the dotted lines.
Wednesday - The paperwork was back in the mail on it's way to Owensboro.
Friday - We received a letter in the mail inviting us to the adoption workshop for August 20 and 21. Basically we bypassed the waiting period and we were accepted as an adoptive family right away. As soon as the workshop is over Catholic Charities will begin our Home Study - a lengthy process meant to determine if John and I are stable individuals capable of raising a child.... I think we just may pass ;)
After our Home Study is complete it may be a few months before a birth mother chooses us as her child's adoptive parents. However, Catholic Charities does not have workshops if they do not have birth mothers to match up with those invited to the workshop. So from what we understand the process should not take years but hopefully only a few months, a year at the most.
We can hardly contain our excitement. We finally feel like there is something to look forward to and something to get out of bed for. Four months ago - hell, even one month ago I was not ready to be anyone but Stella's mom. Today I know I'm ready to be the mom of an angel and a mom to a little one right here on Earth.
Please pray for us - we will need God's guidance as we take one this tremendous undertaking... adoption.
Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it
--- Fleur Conkling Heylinger
Last Friday I was sitting on the beach by myself. I had pulled my beach chair down to the water so that as the waves were coming in they would splash up my legs and cool me off. It was just me, my book and the waves (and a few dozen others who's condos were near ours). I was enjoying the sound of the waves, the sunshine, the kids who were boogie boarding near me, the sand in between my toes, and my book. Every couple of pages I would look up at the ocean and take it all in - the smell of salt water in the air, the way the sky mixes with the ocean out on the horizon, the peacefulness that comes with being close to water. This was our last day and I wanted to enjoy every second I had left. It was then, on that Friday, alone on the beach, that I finally realized - I'm going to be okay.
Since I lost Stella, so many people have told me that I was eventually going to be okay. My counselor has even made me say it out loud a few times during therapy. I never believed it. I continued on, tried to muddle through my life knowing that I had to keep living but never believing that I would ever feel alive again. If, even for a second, the thought of being okay crossed my mind I would quickly remind myself that Stella, my daughter, my only child had died in my arms. How could I ever be okay after that?
I spent a lot of time crying the week that we were at the beach. We decided to bring Stella's ashes with us - just looking at and holding her urn brings me great comfort. I cried on our way to North Carolina in the car, I cried when I set her urn next to the bed in the condo, I cried at the beach, in bed, in the shower and while laying on the couch. Of course I had fun - I enjoyed being with family, eating the amazing food that Chris prepared for us, and riding jet skis. But I missed my Stella! I don't know what changed on Friday - I don't know why God chose that day, that minute... But what I do know is that it has been 8 days later and I still know with all of my heart that I am going to be okay. For the first time in 6 months I feel optimistic. I know that the pain that I feel today will never go away but the severity will lessen. I know that Stella will be with me in my heart until the day that I die and I get to finally see her again. I want her to be an active part of my life, but in a joyful way and not a sorrowful way.
On Friday evening John and I took Stella down to the beach. I always feel a little closer to God while I'm standing in the sand beside the ocean - and I felt a little closer to Stella then too. We both took a pinch of her ashes and as a wave was returning to sea we sent a little piece of Stella to sea as well. John and I hugged and cried - we talked to Stella - we promised each other that we were going to get through this. As we were standing there a beautiful seashell washed up between our feet. John picked it up, turned around and wrote Stella's name in the sand. As he was writing none of the waves rolled in far enough to even touch our feet. When he finished we just stood there, holding each other, looking at our daughter's name... just as we were taking a step away from her name and the ocean a large wave rolled in and washed the writing away. I felt as if that wave took a tremendous amount of my pain with it as it retreated back to the sea.
Since coming back from the beach John and I have been busy getting ready for the upcoming school year. I went back to work on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday for our professional development days. John had a lot of work to do for his online class and some research he has been working on. We have both been looking forward to the future. We know that with everyday that passes we are getting a little bit stronger. That is why we have decided that we are ready to expand our family.... John and I are going to adopt!
This week has been sort of a whirl wind of information seeking, paperwork and immediate excitement.
Monday - I contacted Catholic Charities of Owensboro, KY and spoke to a women about our interest in adoption and our wanting to go through their agency. (We had already done the research before leaving for the beach.) She had her assistant send us out the paperwork that day.
Tuesday - We received the paperwork in the mail and I immediately filled it out. When John came home from bingo at the Knight of Columbus he signed on the dotted lines.
Wednesday - The paperwork was back in the mail on it's way to Owensboro.
Friday - We received a letter in the mail inviting us to the adoption workshop for August 20 and 21. Basically we bypassed the waiting period and we were accepted as an adoptive family right away. As soon as the workshop is over Catholic Charities will begin our Home Study - a lengthy process meant to determine if John and I are stable individuals capable of raising a child.... I think we just may pass ;)
After our Home Study is complete it may be a few months before a birth mother chooses us as her child's adoptive parents. However, Catholic Charities does not have workshops if they do not have birth mothers to match up with those invited to the workshop. So from what we understand the process should not take years but hopefully only a few months, a year at the most.
We can hardly contain our excitement. We finally feel like there is something to look forward to and something to get out of bed for. Four months ago - hell, even one month ago I was not ready to be anyone but Stella's mom. Today I know I'm ready to be the mom of an angel and a mom to a little one right here on Earth.
Please pray for us - we will need God's guidance as we take one this tremendous undertaking... adoption.
Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it
--- Fleur Conkling Heylinger
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