Hope

Today I felt this nagging sense that I needed to head over to my blog and catch up. My last post was the night before Thanksgiving and so much has happened since then. As I read back over my post I'm brought back to the pain that I was living in at that time. I realize how much I have come in the last 6 months. I also noticed that I have three drafts saved that were never posted. One from Christmas, one from Stella's birthday, and one random one from February. I'll never be able to remember why I didn't post those, but there must of been something holding me back. I hate that I didn't get all of my feelings out from Stella's birthday and her angelversary! But I refuse to beat myself up about it or try to force out some sort of post about that time. The feelings that I was feeling on February 1 and 5 are different from the ones I'm feeling today. I can not capture them nor will I try. What I am going to do is capture all of my feelings of hope and get them posted up on this blog. I think it's about time that Stella's Journey included some HOPE!

I have just updated our "adoption" tab in the blog to include important events that have taken place since we began the adoption process almost 10 months ago. But here is where I'll talk about how this makes me feel. Sort of like counseling. "And Shanna when you think about the length of time that you have been waiting to hear from the adoption agency, how does that make you feel?" ...Hopeless is one word that comes to mind. But it's a feeling that I won't let in. So I have to settle with shitty. F-ing annoyed. This isn't like a pregnancy due date. I have no idea when the call will come. John has no idea when the call will come. The agency has no idea when they will make the call to the Spinda's. We just have to wake up every morning with the hope that we will get the call today. And we have to go to bed every night knowing that God has not created our child yet and that is the reason we didn't get the call. I do better on same days then others. More recently I've been doing everything I can to ensure that God will place the right child into our home. We have decided to adopt an older child (6-10 years old) from the Special Needs Adoption Program through the state of Kentucky. I'm a special education teacher who can't ever stop talking or thinking about her kiddos. John and I are one of the best husband and wife teams you will ever find. We could offer so much to a child who has had nothing their entire life. We are ready to bring a special needs child into our home. I'm so excited to go to the training on Tuesday and to get started with everything we will need to do to proceed. I feel the best when I'm working towards a goal. I can't just wait around expecting something to happen... I want to make it happen!! After we are approved by the state of Kentucky we will then be on two waiting list. (Catholic Charities and the Special Needs Adoption Program) Double chances!

Hope is the reason I get out of bed. Hope is the reason I am able to function. My whole world is surrounded by hope. It is the one thing I cling to with both of my hands. I have hope that our family will be completed when He is ready.

Directions needed to a lighted path.

So this is it, tomorrow is... well, tomorrow - Thanksgiving... the start of the holiday season. It's been a little less than 10 months since I've held Stella, since I kissed her sweet face, and since I had to leave her in Norton Hospital and walk out of there alone, with empty arms. I've been through a roller coaster of emotions since that day (Feb 5) but none as low as I've felt the last few weeks. I feel overwhelmed by Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Stella's up coming birthday, and up coming angelversary. It all seems to be happening so fast and I feel out of control. I have no idea what to do. I don't know how to act. I don't know how to incorporate my daughter into the holiday season in a way that I am able to handle. I can barely function, I'm crying all the time, the only thing that gets me out of bed is work and I'm off for the next five days. I'm not going to be shy about things on here... I didn't brush my teeth until after 5pm today and I only just took a shower because I couldn't deal with my smell anymore (but I didn't wash of hair, of course). I've spent most of the day on the couch somewhere between strangely calm to hysterical. I did call the credit counselor that the adoption agency recommended to us. Oh yes, there is some good news I should share: The adoption agency will not approve us until we complete a plan with a credit counseling agency and take a "get out of debt" class. So after taking a look at our checking account and finding that we have $200 to last us until John gets paid next Wednesday I promptly called to set up an appointment to get these finances straightened out. Like I pointed out on the phone with the counselor today, a full time professor and a full time teacher should not be living paycheck to paycheck!

Let's compound extreme money problems on top of grief and let's add in a little difficulty with our adoption agency -- sounds like a perfect recipe for dealing with the holidays! I keep trying to remind myself that people have been through worse! There are women who have lost multiple children or who have had their children murdered. There are families who are being put out onto the street because their house went into foreclosure when someone lost their job. There are couples who have been on the waiting list for a baby for years and years. I can recognize that there are others out there who are worse off then me - my question is, how do these people get up and continue to face the day?

John asked me what I really want to do tomorrow. He had to know that he was not going to like my answer! I'd like to lay in bed ALL day, watching NCIS, and pretending that it is just a regular day off of work.  I got that disappointed look and an "oh bun..."

We have been blessed with wonderful friends who have invited us to spend Thanksgiving with them tomorrow after our plans to volunteer at a kitchen feeding those in need. I wish I could be happy for what we have, I wish that I could be excited to spend my Thanksgiving this way. But all I can think about is how I want my momma and my brother and most of all my Stella! These thoughts have consumed me to the point that I am unable to do anything but think about these three things that I want so badly. Then as the wave of pain rolls in I cry uncontrollably when I realize that my momma and brother are not coming here for Thanksgiving and my Stella girl is never coming back here to Earth. How do I face the holiday then? How do I go through the motions of a day that is only bringing me pain? I need answers! I need to know how to function!

I miss Shanna... I miss the person that I was before my daughter died. I miss smiling and having fun. I miss my friends! I wish I could talk to my friends, I wish I could do something other than cry. I wish I had hope! I have lost my hope... hope that I will ever really be happy and hope that John and I will ever get to raise children.

If you know how I can get my hope back... TELL ME! If you have any idea of how to handle the holidays, please pass along the advice! I'm lost and wandering around a dark ally - I really need someone to find me and/or give me directions to a lighted path.

A new normal

"You will need to find your new normal" - is what I keep being told. I'm not sure that "new normal" even begins to describe what we need to find. I know that I need to find peace, happiness, and a way to continue my life without my daughter.

I may not have written on the blog for a while, but I have been doing a lot of writing. I wrote and then bravely read a eulogy for Stella at the memorial service for her last night. I wrote our story and then submitted it to Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope (www.facesofloss.com). And I have been writing a lot on Facebook. I've been updating my status, trying to return emails, and commenting on posts and friends' pages. But I don't want to stop blogging! Stella's journey did not end with her passing. John and I have a duty to our angel to keep moving forward and to live our lives for Stella.

I feel overwhelmed by the love and support that John and I have received. I know I've said that before and I'm sure I'll say it again. You can not do something like this alone. Even though as long as we have each other, John and I are never alone... you need more than one person to lean on when you are grieving. It's been difficult to talk on the phone, but the support that I've gotten from texts, emails, and Facebook is unbelievable! Many people keep telling me how strong I am. When you are laying in bed at 3pm, haven't brushed your teeth yet, and haven't showered in two days, you do not feel very strong. But I do feel fortunate that I am not plagued with a barrage of negative emotions along with my sadness. Emotions like anger, regret, or guilt. I think the absence of these negative emotions have given me the ability to attempt to find my "new normal."

Strength has never been something that I have believed that I have. I just do! Especially now, I just do. I get up and walk down the street because I can't stand to look at the walls in my bedroom any more. I go to Walmart with John because I know that I need to eventually get used to being around people . I get up in front of my colleagues, John's colleagues, and our friends to eulogize my beautiful baby girl because I know how much I would regret it if I didn't. I don't think about being strong, I think about surviving and living for Stella.

Speaking of surviving... I survived the Kentucky memorial service. I'm now about 99.9% positive that I will survive the Pennsylvania memorial service. I plan to read my eulogy again on Saturday, as I feel that my friends and family who will be attending that service deserve to hear about my amazing Stella. I'll be nervous and I'll need to do a lot of praying to even get me up and in front of everyone, but I'll do it... for my Stella.

No news is good news...

Hey everyone,
Its been a few days since we've been on here, but thats not a bad thing. Things have been pretty quiet here. Shanna is resting comfortably (now) and I am feeling good and positive overall. We are waiting on our Friday ultrasound here this morning.
To recap briefly, Wednesday we were admitted, got monitored and things looked really bad at night. The belief was that the cord blood may be having issues, causing birth quicker than desired and lowering her odds. But, with constant monitoring (Shanna basically couldn't sneeze without moving the ultrasound off Stella), things were looking better Thursday and so was the prognosis for Stella's birth. Last night, things again looked good and quiet overall. In other words, as we were told to be prepared for, its a big-time roller coaster ride.
I never cried like I did Wednesday when a sobering reality wsa sinking in. But I can say that I had a great day yesterday emotionally. Similarly, Shanna is doing well (after being a wreck Wednesday night like me) and having her moments, as I still am.
Here is what gets us through (at least me, I just tell Shanna), "Stella is alive today". Every day she is alive, she should grow, especially with the great care here in Louisville. Every day she grows, her odds improve.
But here is what this week has reminded me of: (1) You can't predict the future. If you told me Sunday morning before I left Pittsburgh how this week would play out, I would have been shocked, (2) Things can turn on a dime, anytime, anyway. We could walk into that ultrasound into grim news today. I am trying to prepare myself as much as I can for the swings that seem inevitable. (3) My relationship with my wife is stronger than I even knew it was. We keep each other together and are going to face whatever happens here; good or bad. (4) I have a special relationship with my daughter Stella, who is barely 6 months old. I've seen her, I've seen her fight, and I know she is giving it her all. Shanna and I have memories of our excitement for her, reading to her, talking about her growing up, and so on and so forth. NOBODY can ever take that from us, even if something awful happens here. We are just faithful that these are the beginning of the great times with Stella.
I am in a good place mentally. I even got my classes rolling online. I got faith in everything right now it seems and that feels great. I am trying to be strong for my wife, who is doing great. Just keep praying and hoping that Stella keeps doing great.
Thank you everyone for your continued support.

Road trips, thoughts, and Stella

John and I of course talk a lot while we are in the car together, but after spending so much time together the past few days we couldn't help but have large amounts of quiet time. Surprisingly my thoughts only produced tears a few times... once when I felt overwhelming love toward my girl and another when I was reminded that Stella means "star" in Italian and was told to "let my Stella's light shine." I'm in the hotel in Cincinnati (halfway from Murray to Pittsburgh), relaxing, waiting for my wonderful husband to bring me dinner. I wanted to hop on Stella's blog and personally THANK everyone for their good thoughts, love, and prayers!!

THANK YOU!!

I'm not an optimistic person, but I feel so confident that my Stella girl will fight, fight, fight! I believe that these good feelings and confidence is coming from all the prayers that we have been receiving. Please continue them, we sure do need them.

Good night and God bless!

What we know so far

Many of you may have already received this email, however I may have missed some. John and I have decided that starting a blog is probably the best way that we can inform and update people on her condition. I also don't want to hide anything or keep anything a secret - I need the support right now!

We will be leaving for Pittsburgh tomorrow - taking the drive over two days as advised by my Perinatologist. We are planning to arrive in Pgh on Saturday and I have an appt with a high-risk Dr. at West Penn Monday.

STELLA'S JOURNEY STARTED 3 WEEKS AGO...

At Stella's 20 week ultrasound she was measuring 4 weeks small. The Dr. told me to try and gain weight and that we would re measure her in three weeks. That appt was Tuesday (the hardest day of my life - so far). At that u/s the tech showed us a foot that was supposedly deformed, reported that she had not grown, and just seemed generally concerned. Stella was curled in a ball and was not moving very much. John and I could barely look at the screen. The Dr. came in and told us that he would set up an appt with a fetal specialist in Louisville for the next day. Yes, we live so far in the sticks that we have to drive 4 hours to get to a decent Dr!

Tuesday night was unbearable!!! I didn't sleep and had several panic attacks.

Yesterday we made the 4 hr. treck up to Louisville to see Dr. P. His office is full of newspaper articles about record breaking premies that he has saved. I started to feel a bit better. We had another u/s and even before the tech could say anything John and I knew that Stella just looked a little better. She was punching and kicking, moving all around, so much so that the tech was finding it hard to get the measurements. But she did and Stella is still measuring 4 weeks behind.

Dr. P comes in, takes the wand and starts looking around himself. He told us that she is severely growth restricted. My placenta is very small and instead of having a three vessel cord she only has a two vessel cord. He informed me that there were several reasons this could happen - however, I don't really fit a lot of them... smokers, drinkers, diabetics. So he said that I will have to have an amino to rule out chromosomal abnormalities. Then as he is still looking at Stella he sees an extra gestational sack... Dr. P believes that Stella had a twin. That twin did not even make it to an embryo, but that the sack is taking up room in my uterus causing the placenta to be small.

I still had to have the amino - which is HORRIBLE!!! Because they still have to rule out chrom ab. So what do we do now??

Dr. P wanted to put me on hospital bed rest to be monitored right away. However, I asked if I could go to Pittsburgh to do this so that I could be close to family. Since Pgh has top notch hospitals he said yes. We are in the process of getting ourselves together to go home so I can be monitored at West Penn hospital. The odds are that Stella will not make it in utero past 28 weeks. That is the reason that I have to be monitored in the hospital. As soon as the placenta stops working - which it will bc of her condition - she has to be taken right away!! If she can hold on one more week to 24 weeks she has a 15-30% chance of survival, 28 weeks 90% chance.

Please pray for my little girl!! She is a fighter and I know she just wants to fight - as she was caught yesterday punching the placenta like a punching bag.

I will post as much as I can... as I found with my running blog, blogging helps me release feelings! This is going to be a difficult journey.